If you think Roger Goodell is the most powerful person in sports then you've never had to deal with a board of directors before. The same week that SI put him atop an iron throne ESPN's Don Van Natta Jr. had an illuminating profile of the Ginger Hammer. Van Natta noted that powerful owners like Robert Kraft and Jerry Jones have said that Goodell has a wide berth to do his job. But if he's been given such a wide berth to do his job, why does he act like every decision has his job riding on it?

I've worked with CEOs who were afraid of the board of directors and those who weren't. If your CEO is afraid of the board then every action verges on overreaction. There's no long term vision, they're just trying to make it to the next board meeting. They careen from decision to decision without engaging in much of a process, all as an attempt to please the board. But CEOs who have a long term vision act deliberately. If they truly have the board's backing then they can implement a long term vision, something that Van Natta notes that Goodell lacks.

If Roger Goodell really were thinking about how the NFL would look five years out would he still be pressing for an 18-game schedule that nobody except those interested in short-term revenue thinks is a good idea? Would he overreact to flimsy evidence in the Saints bounty scandal? Would he have locked out real referees only to reverse course after that decision proved a disaster? Those are the hallmarks of a man who's always looking over his shoulder at his real bosses.

Goodell apologists may note that he hasn't been afraid to go after prominent owners like Robert Kraft and Jerry Jones. But losses of draft picks and minor cap penalties pale in comparison to the league's profitability (see the Panthers item below). Goodell's reckless disregard for player safety (and the truth) could haunt the league in the future, and his hamhanded tactics will backfire like they did with the Saints bounty scandal.

Goodell apologists may also argue that the league has never been more successful. But individuals have a mostly negligible effect on large organizations. NFL owners like to think of themselves as self-made men so of course they're willing to attribute the success of the league to Goodell even though he has had little bearing on the league's success, just as many owners owe their fortunes just as much to luck as gritty determination. The NFL's success is due to forces out of Goodell's control. All he can control is the margins, where he has a propensity to screw things up.

Everyone's a good manager when their company is profitable, but the NFL probably would do fine without Goodell in charge. After all, the more a company pays a CEO the worse it performs. That study confirms what I've argued about Goodell; when you're propped up with $30 million per year and a Sports Illustrated cover you become overconfident and reckless. If Goodell really were a good commissioner then he'd keep his job even if the NFL were no longer profitable. But he isn't, so he won't.

I don't know who the most powerful person in sports is. But it's not the guy who's out of a job if NFL owners start losing money.

The Georgia Dome is obsolete after only 21 years.

The Georgia Dome has to be torn down and replaced even though it's barely old enough to drink. Most of it will be financed by the Falcons themselves but $200 million will come from Atlanta raising hotel taxes. Hotel taxes are an easy sell because they aren't levied on the constituents that politicians represent. Yay gutless taxes! Of course, we don't know if the hotel taxes will fall short of providing the projected revenue and who will cover cost overruns, so let's not canonize Arthur Blank just yet for only accepting $200 million from the city of Atlanta.

Still, the next time you visit Atlanta, you sleep on your friend's couch instead of getting a hotel room. If he doesn't like it then he can complain to his city councilman.

Inside numbers

The public got a rare inside look at NFL profits with a leaked copy of Carolina's financial statements. What can fans takeaway from the numbers?

Surprise! The Panthers are loaded and don't need taxpayer money.

You're not going to believe this, but an NFL team cried poverty but is actually quite profitable. The good folks at Deadspin, a website whose enemies list I seek to stay off of, found the Panthers' owners' audited financials and as it turns out the Panthers make a killing. The team's response was that its cash flow was only eight figures, a problem that a lot of unprofitable companies would love to have.

Meanwhile, the starting salary for a teacher in Charlotte is around $35,000. So maybe the Panthers can pay for their own damn stadium while taxpayers can focus on people who actually need their money.

Richard Sherman ethered Skip Bayless and it sucked.

Troll Tuesday godfather Skip Bayless is an easy mark for fellow media members because his shtick is so odious. But why the hell should players stoop to his level? Unlike him, they bring value. Richard Sherman, you're better than this. The next time Bayless insults a player, his response should be "who's Skip Bayless?" When your enemy only desires attention, rob him of it. We already know that you're better than him. Everybody is.

More in the NFL:

• Are advanced stats good for fans?

• 3 reasons why the Chiefs must draft Luke Joeckel

• NFL Mock Draft: New names rising in first round

• Tom Coughlin talks with SB Nation's Big Blue View

• NFL defenses are changing, too

• Uffsides: Von Miller talks with SB Nation

Athletes Come Out In Support of Gay Marriage

In case you don't pay much attention to civil rights litigation, the Supreme Court is likely going to rule on the California same-sex marriage ban this year. Outspoken equality advocates Chris Kluwe, Brendon Ayanbadejo and Scott Fujita filed an amicus brief in favor of overturning the ban.

The brief highlights the fact that athletes see themselves as role model and have been agents of progress throughout American history. That's not always the case (see: Ty Cobb), but amicus briefs can affect the court in certain circumstances. The military's brief probably saved affirmative action in Grutter v. Bollinger because it raised the specter of all-white officer corps giving orders to all-minority regulars.

What's really remarkable about the brief is that some less-outspoken players have signed on to the brief. Adam Podlesh, Chris Gocong, Alex Mack, Connor Barwin, D'Qwell Jackson, Scott Shanle, Sage Rosenfels, Tom Crabtree, Pat McAfee and Eric Winston aren't the screaming activist types (none of them used the term "lustful cockmonster" in correspondence with a state legislator) but they nevertheless signed on with Kluwe, Ayanbadejo and Fujita.

And the brief provides a bit of insight into how the NFL locker room is changing:

Yet many professional athletes are speaking up — both to clear the way for any teammates who may be gay and closeted, and from an understanding of how even seemingly minor acts by professional athletes can reverberate with the public.

As I've said before, NFL locker rooms are becoming increasingly gay-friendly. Fujita himself has said that the first openly gay NFL player will face bigger obstacles from fans than from his teammates. The NFL is mostly young, college-educated and cosmopolitan, and those are three major indicators of tolerance. That level of tolerance manifests itself in the athletes' amicus brief, and hopefully it will manifest itself again when the first professional football player comes out of the closet.

Elvis Dumervil Might Get Paid No Matter What

Last week NFL agent (and non-attorney) Marty Magid cost his client Elvis Dumervil a ton of money when he couldn't get Dumervil's paperwork in to the Broncos on time, forcing him into a thick pass-rusher market where he will receive a less lucrative contract. As it turns out, Magid wasn't ready to execute a last minute deal and Dumervil had to scramble around South Florida to find a fax machine so he could send in his signed paperwork.

I've been a lawyer for a while now. I've worked on deals worth billions of dollars (thanks for collapsing, Lehman Brothers!) and everyday small business stuff. And I've never been in a situation where I had to wait on a fax. It's too unwieldy. If a principal doesn't have an e-signer then at the very least he will e-mail a scanned in signed copy; a process that's much less cumbersome than faxing. I've even seen someone take a picture of a signed document, text it, and save the JPEG as a PDF.

The bottom line is that It's not hard to get a signature in on time, unless you're Marty Magid. He was negligent and guilty of professional malpractice, so Dumervil can sue him for the difference between the aborted extension and the contract that he does receive. Hopefully between Magid's insurance policy and his assets, Dumervil will receive enough to make himself whole.

The lesson, as always, is that lawyers are always there to help. Don't accept any alternative, especially as your agent.

NFL Rule Changes Resemble NYC Soda Ban

The latest "We swear that we care about player safety, your honor" rule change prevents ballcarriers from using the crown of their helmet to initiate contact with an opposing player when they are outside of the tackle box. The rule is stupid for a number of reasons. It's difficult to administer. The fact that it only applies outside the tackle box is stupid, because that implies that using the crown of your helmet inside the tackle box is safer somehow. It's arbitrary and capricious.

Most non-administrative lawyers are familiar with the term "arbitrary and capricious" because it was recently the grounds for a judge to overturn New York's soda ban. And there are a lot of similarities between the lower-your-head rule and the soda ban. Both rules have good intentions, but they were poorly drafted and have too many exceptions. Soda is just as much of a public health threat as concussions, but only banning some of the instances where diabetes water or helmet-to-helmet hits can harm people in the name of political expediency just makes the proponent look inept.

The solution for Mayor Bloomberg and the NFL is simple: no more half-measures in an attempt to cover your ass. If you're going to ban using the crown of your helmet, you need to ban it in all circumstances. If you're going to ban big gulps, you need to ban them in bodegas as well as restaurants. Otherwise you just look like a chump.

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CBS Sports' Mike Freeman noted on Monday that a gay player is considering coming out of the closet this summer and continuing with his playing career. The player's main concern is not acceptance among his teammates but from the vitriol hurled his way by fans. Then on Tuesday, the Supreme Court heard arguments for overturning California's ban on marriage equality.

Changing attitudes in the NFL

Players, not the commissioner, can do more to lead the effort for tolerance in the NFL.

It's an interesting dynamic because the tone of marriage equality opponents has remained pretty constant. Sure, in 2003 Republican Senator Rick Santorum compared homosexuality to bestiality. But in the 2004, the Republican nationwide effort to turn out conservative voters based on opposition to gay marriage largely disclaimed such rhetoric. Instead they focused on terms like "traditional marriage," even though "traditional" technically means marrying women off as a means of controlling their father's property.

But the anti-gay forces outside of Westboro Baptist have largely abandoned a fire and brimstone approach to opposing homosexuality. They use the "love the sinner, hate the sin" approach (we'll take away your rights but we love you!) and other types of intellectual dishonesty.

Which is what makes the gay player's decision on whether to come out of the closet such a test of the American anti-gay movement. Do they really love the sinner but hate the sin? In that case, the player who comes out of the closet won't face too much adversity from the fans because anti-gay people still love gays personally. But if the forces of inequality aren't for some antiquated form of society and really are just demonizing an easily marginalized minority for the sake of political gain, then they'll have engendered hatred.

That's why an NFL player coming out of the closet is such a big deal. For him, but for us as well. We'll finally find out if people who oppose equality really are for protecting some made-up tradition or whether they really just want to take advantage of bigotry.

Oh, and suck it, Deadspin.

Brad Childress Keeps Getting Work

Are you familiar with the Peter Principle? If not, it basically states that employees will keep getting promoted until they receive a job that they cannot perform competently. The BIg Wheel Corollary to the Peter Principle is that once you get a job that you cannot perform competently then you'll keep getting work on the basis of experience.

My proof is Brad Childress. He was a decent OC working under Andy Reid, and then Childress moved on to become one of the worst head coaches in recent memory in Minnesota. He then latched on as offensive coordinator for a terrible Browns team and you'd think he'd be banished to coaching UCLA or something.

But the Big Wheel Corollary dictates that he keeps finding work in the NFL. Sure enough, Andy Reid hired him to help back up new OC Doug Pederson.

Oh well, at least Jim Fassel still can't find work.

The NFL Keeps Lying About Concussions

Speaking of people who ignore all empirical evidence to the contrary of their opinions, an NFL doctor asked that references to CTE be removed from a fact sheet summarizing health risks to players because it was not fully understood.

This is yet another instance of the NFL aping the tobacco executives who 50 years ago disputed whether cigarettes can be tied to lung cancer. Thankfully, the democratization of data makes disinformation much more difficult. But important decisions are still made behind closed doors and without public input. We need to remain vigilant on NFL disinformation because their medical experts have proven far from reputable in the past.

Osi Umenyiora Signs With the Falcons

As a Giants fan I'll miss him, but last year he looked overwhelmed at the point of attack and couldn't defend the run. Part of that might have been Perry Fewell's scheme, which had too many "figure it out as you go along" elements, but Atlanta might have been better off signing John Abraham/Dwight Freeney/their first-round pick Sam Montgomery.

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Welcome back to Wheel Routes! I had to take April off to take care of some important stuff, but I'm back now so let's dive in.

Dan Snyder Is Still A Greedy Bastard Defending A Racist Name

It's already established that the Redskins' name is racist and that fans who complain about it need to shut up. It's an abomination but it's also profitable intellectual property, so Dan Snyder wants to hang on to it.

I'm dubious as to how much more valuable "Washington Redskins" is than "Washington Warriors" or "Washington Redtails." A football team in DC is going to be valuable no matter what, especially if the Wizards and Capitals aren't worth watching in the fall.

But Dan Snyder probably knows the value of the name better than I do. That's why he's fighting the lawsuit to change it. He's hiding behind the "this is the name of the team that I grew up with" pablum. As an adult, you don't base big decisions on what you liked as a kid. Otherwise I'd have put my money into Stone Cold Steve Austin memorabilia instead of a 401(k). Snyder is just playing to Redskins fans' emotions and creating a garrison mentality of childhood memories and teams that didn't sign Jeff George.

Snyder is smart enough to know that the team's name is racist. But when you're a defendant in litigation you sure as hell don't publicly budge while the case is pending. Even if you're willing to settle, public statements like that ruin your leverage. That's why you say things like "We'll never change the name, it's that simple. NEVER — you can use caps."

But that doesn't make him right. And of course Snyder dodged the Navajo woman who dared him to call her a redskin to her face. Because he knows the name is RACIST. Because that's a word that needs the all caps treatment more than "never."

Chris Johnson's Memphis Strip Club Party

This is the biggest thing to happen in Memphis pro football since the Showboats (RIP Reggie White). Still, the flyer makes me wonder why party promotions all have the worst graphic design. Would it have killed the Memphis strip club to use someone who copies Saul Bass? Wait, don't answer that because there's no telling what can get you killed in Memphis.

Also, my Memphis strip club sources tell me that strippers can't go topless in the city. Also, the party is BYOB. So this isn't so much a strip club as it is a room with dancing women where you brown bag your liquor. So you might want to think twice about attending.

And shoutout to the strippers for putting their Twitter handles on the flier. That's good strat!

Ronde Barber's Last Ride

A man who played so long that his first interception was of Danny Kanell (who, to be fair, could be generous with interceptions) is hanging them up. His career highlight was a pick six on Donovan McNabb in the 2002 NFC Championship Game. I was watching that game with an Eagles fan and, after the interception, he went into the hallway and started throwing cinder blocks down the hallway (there were cinder blocks outside my dorm room because I worked for housing and, awesome worker that I was, I was too lazy to put them into storage when my shift was done).

So I'll miss you, Ronde Barber, for exposing the sheer lunacy of Eagles fans during that NFC Championship Game losing streak. Also, Wahoowa.

Jags Fans Create Anti-Tebow Site

You can't criticize Jags fans for indifference because they air their grievances against their team like Jets or Eagles fans. That's good misery, fellas. Still, would it kill you to sell out the stadium? There can't really be anything better to do in Jacksonville on a Sunday.

More from SB Nation:

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• Jay-Z's agency pursuing Geno Smith

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Taco Tuesdays Demonstrate Just How Screwed The Browns Are

The biggest NFL news this week, by far, is the fact that the Eagles got rid of Taco Tuesday. Now, I have long been a Taco Tuesday proponent, but working at a law firm is a bit different than working for a professional football team. So I suppose this is a step forward for the Eagles.

But the episode also illustrates just how fucked up the Browns are. When Chuck Klosterman visited the Browns campus after former Eagles president Joe Banner took over he noted that the food options were vastly improved from the previous regime's. Here's the money quote:

When CEO Banner came to the Browns from Philadelphia, he hired the same caterers the Eagles employed, a company called Flik. I must admit: The food is borderline delicious. On the day of the draft, they serve prime rib for lunch and crab legs for dinner. It seems curious that the concept of nutrition had never occurred to the Browns until 2013, but maybe that explains a lot about what was broken here.

So not only was the Browns' previous caterer terrible, but the Browns replaced them with a company that was serving the Eagles unhealthy food. Now, Flik may still be serving the Eagles and simply offering healthier fare but Joe Banner was still the mastermind behind the Fast Food Friday regime.

Oh, and Klosterman's piece also revealed that the Browns are basically on DEFCON 1 because of the looming criminal case against Jimmy Haslam. When I first heard about the criminal investigation against Haslam I read what someone told me was his indictment and thought that the prosecutors had a lot of circumstantial evidence but no smoking gun. Then I found out that what I was reading was actually the affidavit to get a search warrant for Haslam's effects and realized that they would probably find the smoking gun soon enough. Unless Haslam's e-mails show that he hasn't left the golf course in five years (he's a CEO so it's possible) he's going to have to sell the team.

Oh, and the roster is still a mess.

Titus Young Is In The Wrong Business For Someone With A Mental Illness

Titus Young has not been diagnosed but he certainly has not evinced behavior of a person acting rationally and everyone else in his life seems to think he's suffering from a mental illness. Now, dealing with a mental illness is difficult no matter what your job is. But imagine you had to do it in front of 80,000 screaming drunks. And get criticized by idiots like Mike Florio who have no inclination to consider the effect of playing professional sports on one's mental health. It seems impossible.

Which makes me respect Brandon Marshall even more. He thrives as a wide receiver in spite of suffering from borderline personality disorder, and he shows that you can play professional sports with a mental illness. Hopefully Titus Young can find a treatment that works for him too.

Concussion Doctor Was A Quack

Patrick Hruby blew the lid off of the team doctor who told the Jets that they could play through concussions even though he was a rheumatologist with a medical degree from Guadalajara. Elliot Pellman is a quack, but he's not the only quack out there. When the NFL first stonewalled on concussions they hid behind one Dr. Ira Casson, who unlike Pellman is an actual neurologist. I asked Hruby if he'd heard anything about Casson and he said no, but that there were rumblings that he still worked with the Jets.

Ira Casson needs to answer for what he's done. He might have even lied to Congress. So let's put out an APB for the good doctor and see if he stands by everything that he said.

Geno Smith Isn't Starstruck

This is a terrific sign for the Jets -- Geno Smith doesn't get starstruck. When you live in New York you see celebrities all the time. I used to live on the same block as Andy Samberg so I'd see him walking around, and Gossip Girl used to film near me so I saw Leighton Meester all the time (she was totally stalking me). And I would be a terrible quarterback because I'd curl into a fetal ball any time I heard defensive end footsteps.

But Geno Smith is too damn focused. Anyone who saw West Virginia play knows this -- if he had a fault he seemed TOO locked in at times -- so I remain hopeful for the Geno Smith era in New York. Once he gets some decent receivers, of course.

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The Paterno family's lawsuit against the NCAA raises a number of important issues regarding the Penn State consent decree (the school's sanctions agreement with the NCAA) and could lead to a court setting aside that decree. There might have been some significant issues with Penn State's process entering into it, and school president Rodney Erickson should have to rebut some of the accusations leveled against him.

But the lawsuit has a glaring flaw -- it was filed against the wrong party.

The lawsuit (available here) alleges that the NCAA improperly forced Penn State to enter into the consent decree, which will hobble the football program for a decade. The NCAA certainly doesn't come away from the lawsuit looking good. It alleges that the NCAA forced Rodney Erickson to sign the decree on a tight timetable or else it would pursue the death penalty against the program. It provides plenty for those of us who argue that the NCAA enforcement arm is a starchamber that bends to the whims of its cruel and inept masters.

The plaintiffs want the court to set aside the consent decree and award damages for the various harms that they have suffered. But the lawsuit ignores a legal concept known as privity of contract.

The consent decree between the NCAA and Penn State was a contract, and when you have a contract, you don't want to be sued by someone related to your counterparty. We want to encourage parties to enter into contracts without having to worry about anyone related to the contract suing to have it voided.

If Quanta wants to sell servers to Facebook, it doesn't want to worry about you suing Quanta because you think it's making your profile load slower. But the concept of privity of contract means you can't sue Quanta because you are not a party to the contract -- Quanta only does business with Facebook, not all of its users.

So when the NCAA enters into a contract with Penn State, it doesn't want to worry about aggrieved Penn State fans suing it in turn. Allowing them to do so would set a terrible precedent, leading a flood of litigation and a wariness to enter into contracts in the future.

If parties within Penn State are angry about the contract, then their cause of action is not against the NCAA, or else it would discourage contracts and other commercial activity. Rather, the cause of action is against the parties at Penn State itself for entering into the contract, because these plaintiffs do have relationships (contractual and non-contractual) with the college.

The Paterno plaintiffs include some current members of Penn State's board of trustees. If the board members think that Erickson acted improperly -- and their complaint makes a compelling case that he did -- then they should be suing him, not the NCAA. A board member can sue a CEO for acting outside the scope of his duties, so there's nothing wrong with a lawsuit against Erickson. The only issue is when the Paterno plaintiffs will finally get around to suing him.

In a few months the NCAA will file a motion to dismiss the Paterno lawsuit. The judge will most likely grant that motion and dismiss the lawsuit unless the Paterno plaintiffs amend the complaint to include Erickson and Penn State as plaintiffs. So, after a few months of litigation delays, Paterno would eventually sue Penn State anyway. On its face, this initial lawsuit seems like a waste of time.

Now, Wick Sollers (lead attorney for the Paterno plaintiffs) is a smart man. He's one of the top lawyers in Washington, D.C. He probably charges around $1,000 an hour for his clients to pick his brain. He knows that this lawsuit should have been filed against Penn State and Erickson. So what's the strategy here? I've come up with a couple of possibilities.

• Dragging the NCAA into this makes the Paterno plaintiffs look better. The only people who like the NCAA wear pleated khakis. It's a cartel designed to rob college students of the compensation that they deserve, and it's run like a banana republic. Meanwhile, Joe Paterno's reputation has taken a massive hit in the past two years. So how better to prop it up than position him as a foe of the NCAA? For 40 years African strongmen used a similar strategy to get US/Soviet support and it WORKED.
• This is a warning shot to Penn State. The rogue Penn State board members who joined the Paterno lawsuit would prefer not to sue the colleagues that they have worked with over the years. This is a last-ditch attempt to get Penn State to resolve this internally before civil war erupts.

Again, Sollers is a smart man. Sandusky lawyer Joe Amendola was Barry Zuckerkorn, but Sollers is Bob Loblaw and Wayne Jarvis. He's got a plan. While we don't know what that plan is, we do know litigation is a drawn-out, costly process. Plenty of billable hours will die on this mountain. It's going to get expensive.

Joe Paterno probably built up a decent nest egg. He pretty much worked until he died, he didn't have any hobbies and he lived in a ranch house in a low cost-of-living area. But if Sandusky victims can prove that Paterno was involved in a cover-up, then their civil suits will eat into that estate pretty quickly. If you look at Catholic church abuse cases and factor in some light inflation, the back-of-the-envelope math comes out to about $1 million per victim. So expect the Paterno estate to defend itself in this case vigorously, and don't expect it to give any quarter until it disproves the Freeh Report or exhausts all of its appeals.

This is the beginning of what's going to be a nasty, drawn-out lawsuit. Just don't count on it to bring down the NCAA.

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• The college football Twitter directory

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• Today’s college football news headlines

One GIF to preview each power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Florida State

Clemson

Syracuse

N.C. State

Boston College

Wake Forest

Maryland

Miami

North Carolina

Virginia Tech

Georgia Tech

Virginia

Pittsburgh

Duke

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One GIF to preview each power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Alabama

Texas A&M

LSU

Ole Miss

Mississippi State

Auburn

Arkansas

Florida

South Carolina

Georgia

Vanderbilt

Tennessee

Missouri

Kentucky

More from SB Nation:

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One GIF for every power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Stanford

Oregon

Oregon State

Washington

Cal

Washington State

Arizona

Arizona State

UCLA

USC

Utah

Colorado

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One GIF for every power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Ohio State

Wisconsin

Penn State

Indiana

Purdue

File not found.

Illinois

Michigan State

Nebraska

Michigan

Northwestern

Iowa

Minnesota

More from SB Nation:

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• The prettiest, smartest college football preview collection anywhere

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• Why we love college football: a beautiful SB Nation longread

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One GIF for every power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

TCU

Texas

Kansas State

Baylor

Oklahoma

Oklahoma State

Texas Tech

West Virginia

Iowa State

Kansas

More from SB Nation:

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• The prettiest, smartest college football preview collection anywhere

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•Why we’re happy Johnny Manziel is playing

Too many college football teams share the same nicknames. Let's break these up.

The SEC is a youth soccer league. No, not because of the level of play, but because more than 20 percent of the league uses Tigers as mascots. I mean, they're not even indigenous to North America.

So we decided to engage in a little thought experiment. What if every FBS team had to have a unique official team nickname? Now, you can use a modifier to differentiate your name from other teams. That's why the Southern Miss Golden Eagles and Boston College Eagles can coexist. But otherwise, there can only be one of each.

Onto the tough decisions:

Aggies

Schools using the name: New Mexico State, Texas A&M, Utah State

Who gets to keep it: Texas A&M. It's a signature of College Station.

New Mexico State's new name: They're only in FBS in the sense that Pete Best was in the Beatles, but they could be the Pistoleros in honor of their mascot, Pistol Pete.

Utah State's new name: Before they were the Aggies, they were the Farmers. Because that's actually Logan, Utah, in the background of every Chevy truck ad.

Bobcats

Schools using the name: Ohio, Texas State

Who gets to keep it: Ohio. Because the state of Ohio hasn't had a good year since the early '90s. Just like Bobcat Goldthwait.

Texas State's new name: Texas State's logo is actually known as the Supercat. That's a fine name for both a team and an illegal Dennis Franchione gambling newsletter.

Broncos

Schools using the name: Boise State, Western Michigan

Who gets to keep it: I'm pretty sure that Boise State was a mining camp as late as the 1970s, but its 1998-2012 run of success and the relative prevalence of wild horses in the American West means the school stays the Broncos.

Western Michigan's new name: New head coach P.J. Fleck wants the team's motto to be "Row The Boat." I'm pretty sure Captains abstain from actual rowing, but it's a better team name than Slaves From Ben Hur.

Bulldogs

Schools using the name: Georgia, Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State [and Fresno State]

Who gets to keep it: UGA. Much like the Hapsburgs, the Ugas are inbred and sickly but tough to displace.

Louisiana Tech's new name: Capitalize on the popularity of your Duck Dynasty guys (Duck Dynasty: the show your boss watches) and name La. Tech the Hunters.

Mississippi State's new name: CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA Cows coming through CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA.

[Fresno State: We missed Fresno State the first time around. Due to the oversight, they may also keep their nickname.]

Bulls

Schools using the name: Buffalo, South Florida

Who gets to keep it: South Florida. Because it's tough naming something in Tampa. You just look around and go "strip mall, strip club, strip mall, meth lab, strip mall ... f--- it, we'll call them the Bulls." [Editor's note: Voodoo Five sticks up for Tampa.]

Buffalo's new name: The Yankees. Buffalo wants to be New York's team after all. SEO gamesmanship is its best bet to be relevant east of Rochester.

Cardinal/Cardinals

Schools using the name: Ball State, Louisville, Stanford

Who gets to keep it: Louisville. Because the nickname committee wants to be bribed with two million free pizzas and applauds anyone who commits to weekday football. Prevents me from having to socialize with people.

Stanford's new name: You already have the Trees mascot, and we know that Cal students always wish they could smoke you. It's kind of obvious.

Ball State's new name: When your greatest cultural contribution doubles as slang for football players, the Lettermen becomes an easy pick. I just hope Ball State doesn't start *mailing it in* when it gets bored.

James Snook-US PRESSWIRE

Cougars

Schools using the name: BYU, Houston, Washington State

Who gets to keep it: Houston. Because Wazzu drinks too much and BYU doesn't drink enough.

Washington State's new name: The school got its name from a cougar cub, so switching to the Cubs doesn't mess with the history that much. Yeah, I'm surprised that Wazzu has history too.

BYU's new name: Naming the team the Missionaries should make it easier for Bronco Mendenhall to talk his starting left tackle out of spending two years wearing a shirt and tie.

Cowboys

Schools using the name: Oklahoma State, Wyoming

Who gets to keep it: Oklahoma State.

"Hey T. Boone Pickens, we think Wyoming should be the Cowboys and Oklahoma State should change its name."

"No."

"But Wyoming's got a cowboy on its license plates and stuff. Oklahoma was founded by people stealing land."

"No."

"Well, too bad, we're changing it anyway."

"I will ruin you."

Sorry, Wyoming.

Wyoming's new name: Working off the cowboy motif, why not the Gauchos, to reflect the state's growing Hispanic population?

Eagles

Schools using the name: Boston College, Eastern Michigan

Who gets to keep it: BC. Because Notre Dame's loser uncle still has some history to speak of.  EMU has ... Charlie Batch.

Eastern Michigan's new name: Eastern Michigan was the Hurons until 1991, when the surviving Hurons were like, "hey, you already took all our land, you don't have to rub it in." But last I checked, Huron was also a lake and Dwight Howard would never play for EMU, so lets go with the Lakers.

Falcons

Schools using the name: Air Force, Bowling Green

Who gets to keep it: Air Force. These guys get to kill guys from planes, so they get their aerial nickname of choice.

Bowling Green's new name: Bowling Green's nickname was the Normals before its teams were the Falcons. Anything that'll help MACtion go mainstream is alright by me.

Huskies

Schools using the name: NIU, UConn, Washington

Who gets to keep it: Washington. Rick Neuheisel won the nickname from UConn when he bet on Michigan to win outright.

UConn's new name: You wanna sell out Rentschler Field? Call yourselves the Whalers and play "Brass Bonanza" after touchdowns. And missing the postseason every year will just make hockey fans feel even more at home.

NIU's new name: Another former teacher's college, NIU used to be the Profs. And if you think a Prof can't be tough, then you've never been cold called by Professor Kingsfield.

Owls

Schools using the name: FAU, Rice, Temple

Who gets to keep it: Temple, shockingly, has the best football tradition of any of these schools. Nocturnal birds must play soccer in high school or something.

Rice's new name: President Kennedy gave his "Man on the Moon" speech in Rice's stadium, so the Astronauts seems appropriate. Better than the President's Love Child With A Rice Freshman Conceived After A Big Speech.

FAU's new name: FAU's baseball team used to be known as the Blue Wave. That should work for the football team until Florida is swallowed by the sea and it has to relocate to Billings.

Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Panthers

Schools using the name: FIU, Georgia State, Pitt

Who gets to keep it: Pitt, because it has history on its side. Mark May fought hard for that name!

Georgia State's new name: Georgia State was already the Ramblers from 1947 to 1963. Not only is the name historic, it's a nod to Macon, Georgia's own Allman Brothers.

FIU's new name: FIU was, until recently, the Golden Panthers, so the school can just go back to that. Now, if there were only another recent decision that FIU could undo ...

Rebels

Schools using the name: Ole Miss, UNLV

Who gets to keep it: Ole Miss, because changing anything in Mississippi takes, like, three generations.

UNLV's new name: Most people probably think its name is already the Runnin' Rebels, so we might as well make it official.

Spartans

Schools using the name: Michigan State, San Jose State

Who gets to keep it: There's only one Sparty, San Jose State, and he inexplicably loses to Iowa.

San Jose State's new name: San Jose State started as a teachers school, so one of its original mascots was the Pedagogues. Given all the annoying techies in the area, I'd say that's pretty apt.

Tigers

Schools using the name: Auburn, Clemson, Memphis, Missouri, LSU

Who gets to keep it: Mizzou. Ultimately the decision came down to LSU and Mizzou. LSU was named after a Confederate regiment, while Mizzou was named after a Union one. So this one was already determined on the battlefield.

LSU's new name: The Bayou Bengals is already a fine nickname for the team, and it means Mike the Tiger can still roam the sidelines and play Les Miles in Chinese Checkers (Mike almost always wins).

Clemson's new name: The plain ol' Bengals should suffice, especially since you'll never hear them shut up about how they were good in the '80s.

Auburn's new name: It should be a seamless transition to the War Eagles. Just don't let Harvey Updyke near any aviaries.

Memphis's new name: Memphis used to be known as the Warriors, and with Hawaii reverting to the Rainbow varietal of the name, it should be an easy switch. Also, you could probably re-do a Warriors remake in Memphis today, except it would be a documentary.

Trojans

Schools using the name: Troy, USC

Who gets to keep it: Sorry, Troy. Not even Lane Kiffin can cost USC its mascot.

Troy's new name: Its mascot is named after the town. Troy is in Pike County. The Pikemen are both an excellent mascot and Civilization II unit.

Wildcats

Schools using the name: Arizona, Kansas State, Kentucky, Northwestern

Who gets to keep it: Kentucky. It's hard enough getting Big Blue Nation to spell one team name right.

Northwestern's new name: Northwestern used to be known as the Fighting Methodists. We're about to bomb Syria, so sectarian violence is back en vogue.

Arizona's new name: The University of Arizona goes through great lengths to honor the U.S.S. Arizona, so the Battleships would be a good replacement. Sure, Arizona is landlocked, but it's not like our battleships do anything at sea any more.

Kansas State's new name: Ninety percent of America knows Kansas from that old movie, and Bill Snyder kind of has a Saruman vibe about him, so KSU should be the Wizards.

Wolfpack/Wolf Pack

Schools using the name: NC State, Nevada

Who gets to keep it: NC State. I'm not telling this guy that he's got to change his school name.

Nevada's new name: The Wolves. An easy change. Besides, Nevada already has a wolf pack.

Don't like your team's new name? Think it shouldn't have changed to begin with? Let us know in the comments.

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The Broncos and the Texans have both had to install interim coaches this season when their head coaches fell ill. So how does every team's likely interim coach stack up? Robert Wheel investigates.

NFL head coaches are a group of middle-aged men who work interminable hours in high-stress situations. So it shouldn't surprise anyone that John Fox needed a heart valve replaced and Gary Kubiak had a mini-stroke over the past week. Any team could have to resort to an interim coach mid-season when a coach becomes incapacitated. Accordingly, here is a ranking of each team's likely interim coach.

Tier 1: Guys you'd actually want as a head coach

1.  San Diego Chargers

Likely interim coach: Ken Whisenhunt. He took the friggin' Cardinals to the Super Bowl. Anyone who watched that team in the '90s is amazed that Whisenhunt wasn't named coach-for-life after that. His Achilles heel in Arizona was his inability to find a passable starting quarterback, but Philip Rivers often rises to the level of passable.

2.  Cincinnati Bengals

Likely interim coach: Mike Zimmer.  ZImmer's coached some excellent defenses during his tenure in Cincinnati and has been a candidate for numerous head coaching vacancies.  Depending on how you feel about Marvin Lewis, this could be an upgrade.

3.  Indianapolis Colts

Likely interim coach: Pep Hamilton. No Colts assistant has head coaching experience, but Greg Manusky was fired from his last job while Hamilton had to get pried away from Stanford. Hamilton helped architect the offenses that Andrew Luck has thrived in, so hopefully the Colts wouldn't experience too much of a drop-off from Chuck Pagano

Tier 2: Not as bad as you remember

4.  Denver Broncos

Interim coach: Jack Del Rio. It's easy (and fun) to make fun of a head coach who once accidentally chopped his leg with an axe. But if you look at how Jacksonville has struggled since he left his 68-71 mark there looks downright heroic. Besides, as Jim Caldwell showed, it's easy to look good as a head coach when you have Peyton Manning calling the shots on offense.

5.  Miami Dolphins

The road to 0-16

Two travelers. One destination. Zero wins.

Likely interim coach: Mike Sherman.  Considering Joe Philbin had no idea about his toxic (and litigation prone) locker room, Sherman might actually have to take the reigns in Miami this season. Sherman went 57-39 in six seasons in Green Bay, including four playoff appearances. His tenure at Texas A&M took some of that luster off, where he only went to one bowl in four seasons and Kevin Sumlin took the team to national prominence the year after Sherman was fired. Nevertheless, Sherman's a better coach than most potential interims.

6.  Houston Texans

Interim coach: Wade Phillips. Poor Wade Phillips. When he's a coordinator he's an eminence grisee that turned the Texans defense into a playoff-caliber squad. But the second he takes over as head coach he blows a lead and looks like a grown-up verison of Butters Stotch. Still, Phillips has an 82-59 record as a head coach, so he shouldn't be the reason Texans fans lose hope.

7.  Detroit Lions

Likely interim coach: Gunther Cunningham. Scott Linehan has head coaching experience too but Cunningham is the likely choice as he's the assistant head coach. He went .500 as coach of the Chiefs more than a decade ago, so hopefully the 67-year-old would be a capable interim.

8.  Oakland Raiders

Likely Interim Coach: Tony Sparano. Sparano actually did a decent job in Miami until owner Stephen Ross undercut his authority by interviewing Jim Harbaugh then denying that he ever interviewed Harbaugh. And, to the best of our knowledge, Richie Incognito didn't send any racist texts while Sparano was coach.

9.  Cleveland Browns

Likely interim coach: Norv Turner. NORV! Defensive coordinator Ray Horton would probably be a better choice considering he's gotten two of the most hapless franchises in the NFL to play great defense in the past two years. But Norv has experience as a head coach so he's likely seen as a steadier hand. And while Turner has a 114-122-1 career record his longevity indicates that he was at least able to do something right in Washington, Oakland and San Diego.

10.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Likely interim coach: Dave Wannstedt. Considering the head coach is Greg Schiano, Wannstedt is the likeliest interim coach on this list. Much like Norv, he ranks this high because he was mediocre, but at least he was mediocre for a long time.

11.  St. Louis Rams

Likely interim coach: Dave McGinnis. McGinnis had a disastrous stint as head coach of the Cardinals back when every head coach of the Cardinals had a disastrous stint. Spending the past decade as Jeff Fisher's right-hand man should get some of the Bidwill stank off him.

Tier 3: Former interims who've got this under control

12.  New Orleans Saints

Likely interim coach: Joe Vitt. The ideal interim coach considering he was an interim for the team last year and didn't make a total ass of himself. Besides, if there's one thing they love in New Orleans it's a repeat offender.

13.  Kansas City Chiefs

Likely interim coach: Emmitt Thomas. Kansas City's org chart contains four men (Thomas, Bob Sutton, Brad Childress and Gary Gibbs) with head coaching experience. But Thomas was the only one who had to take over as interim coach of an NFL in the middle of a season. And having to pick up the pieces after Bobby Petrino left in Atlanta should have him prepared for just about anything.

14.  Chicago Bears

Likely interim coach: Aaron Kromer. Kromer went 2-4 as the interim interim coach during Sean Peyton's scheme to get the Saints to beg him to never leave again. Much like Thomas, he gets points for dealing with a near-impossible situation in the past, as his record doesn't really indicate anything because the sample size is so small.

15.  San Francisco 49ers

Likely interim coach: Jim Tomsula. He already had to spell Mike Singletary when he was fired with one game left so you figure Tomsula would take over again even though offensive coordinator Greg Roman is a hot head coaching candidate.

16.  Minnesota Vikings

Likely interim coach: Mike Singletary. The Vikings linebackers coach/special assistant to the head coach is best remembered for his disastrous 2010 in charge of the Niners, but in 2008 he took over for the hapless Mike Nolan and went 5-4 as interim head coach. Just don't keep him after the season and you'll be fine, Vikings.

17.  Seattle Seahawks

Likely interim coach: Tom Cable. It's hard to oblige Cable for doing a mediocre job in the last days of Mad King Al, as he went 4-8 as an interim and 13-19 as permanent head coach. His record of punching assistant coaches isn't ideal but if he can clean up after Lane Kiffin he can probably handle whatever the Seahawks throw his way.

Tier 4: Relative unknowns

18.  Buffalo Bills

Likely interim coach: Mike Pettine. The Bills are one of the few teams that doesn't have any assistants that are either a former head coach or a rumored head coaching candidate. Offensive coordinator Nathaniel Hackett is still best known as the son of USC flameout Paul Hackett so it goes to Pettine by default. He helped put together some great defenses with Rex Ryan on the Jets but he's not on too many radars for a head coaching gig.

19.  Arizona Cardinals

Likely interim coach: Tom Moore. Nobody on the Cardinals staff has any prior head coaching experience at the NFL or FBS level. So 74-year-old Tom Moore, the assistant head coach who came out of retirement, would probably take over until the offseason. It's a good thing the Cardinals don't have any primetime games left, because his bedtime is 8:00.

20.  Jacksonville Jaguars

Likely interim coach: DeWayne Walker. Neither Jags coordinator has head coaching experience but defensive assistants Mark Duffner and Walker do. Walker's came more recently, though. Sure, it was at New Mexico State, but New Mexico State is basically the Jacksonville of the Football Bowl Subdivision.

Tier 5: Maybe they won't screw up too badly

21.  Green Bay Packers

Likely interim coach: Dom Capers. On the bright side, leading two expansion teams should be ample preparation for coaching a team with Seneca Wallace at quarterback.

22.  Carolina Panthers

Likely interim coach: Mike Shula. His tenure at Bama was still better than Mike DuBose's, so there's that. Still, if you ask any Crimson Tide fan how Mike Shula would ever become head coach again they'd say it'd be a Gerald Ford-type situation.

23.  PIttsburgh Steelers

Likely interim coach: Todd Haley. We've gotten to the "was a disaster as a head coach" portion of the list, but at least Haley has an excuse that he had to deal with Scott Pioli's mad dictatorship. He might do better working for the genial Rooney family.

(via)

24.  Washington Redskins

Likely interim coach: Jim Haslett. The good news: he has experience as an interim coach when he took over for Scott Linehan in St. Louis. The bad news: he went 2-10 that year. He's still a better choice than offensive coordinator Scott Evil, though.

25.  Baltimore Ravens

Likely interim coach: Jim Caldwell. He was a disaster once Peyton Manning left, but at least he took the Colts to a Super Bowl. And his college coaching record of 26-63 looks pretty OK when you compare it to defensive coordinator Dean Pees's 17-51 mark.

Tier 6: Time to look forward to the draft

26.  Atlanta Falcons

Likely interim coach: Mike Nolan. Dirk Koetter would be a better choice but Nolan has experience as head coach in the NFL instead of college so he's likely the interim if Mike Smith leaves midseason. As noted above, Mike Singletary was a step up from him, which is all that you really need to know.

27.  New York Giants

Likely interim coach: Kevin Gilbride. Perry Fewell is a former head coach too but Gilbride has been with the team longer. If you're familiar with my work on Twitter, you'd know I have a low opinion of Gilbride as a play-caller.  But it's easy to forget that Gilbride was also a terrible head coach too. It shouldn't be this easy to find bad things to say about a man who coached two offenses to the Super Bowl since 2007.

28.  Dallas Cowboys

Likely interim coach: Bill Callahan. Callahan crashed and burned pretty spectacularly in Oakland and was a smoldering tire fire at Nebraska but the Cowboys' other options are Monte Kiffin (lol), Derek Dooley (LOL) and Rod Marinelli (LOLOLOLOLOL).

29.  Philadelphia Eagles

Likely interim coach: Pat Shurmur. Shurmur is under-appreciated as a lousy coach considering how much better the Browns are this year now that he's gone. Eagles fans better hope a college with an unlimited booster checkbook doesn't pursue Chip Kelly anytime soon.

30.  New England Patriots

Likely interim coach: Josh McDaniels. People learn from mistakes. So if Patriots fans are lucky, McDaniels will just do the exact opposite of everything he did during his tenure in Denver.

31.  New York Jets

Likely interim coach: Marty Morninwheg. Well, at least his decision to kick off in overtime is somewhat defensible with the new overtime rules. Oh, who am I kidding, of course it's not. Morninwheg taking over the Jets would be a perfect storm of ennui.

Tier 7: CROOM! HERE COMES THE CROOM! READY OR NOT, HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

32.  Tennessee Titans

Likely interim coach: Sylvester Croom. He's the only assistant with significant head coaching experience, so it looks like the Titans will be caught between the Croom and Tennessee.

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RGIII wants you to know that he's got more in common with Abe Lincoln than just being born on Feb. 12. But he's not the only quarterback who shares a birthday with someone who's historically similar.

On Wednesday, Redskins quarterback and future presidential candidateRobert Griffin IIItweeted, then deleted, a link to an article comparing him to Abe Lincoln. Not only were they both born on Feb. 12, but did you know that RGIII has a secretary named Lincoln, and that Lincoln had a secretary named RGIII? Anyway, let's hope the Redskins quarterback doesn't go to the theater in the offseason.

But RGIII isn't the only NFL quarterback who shares a birthday with a similar historical figure. There are eerie parallels between some of his colleagues and famous people who share their birthdays:

Eli Manning (Jan. 3)

Similar Figure: Clement Attlee

Parallels: Both beat an all-time great in a closely watched contest (and we're still not sure how), but Eli did do better than Clement in the rematch.

Drew Brees (Jan. 15)

Similar Figure: Gamal Abdel Nasser

Parallels: Nasser was a unifying figure in an historically important but chaotic place. Tahrir Square is basically New Orleans without the go cups.

Joe Flacco (Jan. 16)

Similar Figure: Susan Sontag

Parallels: There's a never-ending debate over whether Sontag was elite, except it's in the New York Review of Books and not on Weebie and Sluggo's Morning Drive Time Sports Yak.

Nick Foles (Jan. 20)

Similar Figure: Charles III of Spain

Parallels: Foles plays for Chip Kelly and Charles III got to rule an absolute monarchy. In other words, both were system guys who couldn't help but succeed.

Matt Stafford (Feb. 7)

Similar Figure: Charles Dickens

Parallels: Playing for the Lions could have easily been the plot to Great Expectations.

E.J. Manuel (March 19)

Similar Figure: William Jennings Bryan

Parallels: Bryan lost a record three presidential elections as a major party nominee. In other words, the perfect preparation for quarterbacking the Bills.

Peyton Manning (March 24)

Similar Figure: Harry Houdini

Parallels: Both have a penchant for disappearing on the biggest stages.

Jay Cutler (April 29)

Similar Figure: William Randolph Hearst

Parallels: Hearst's attitude toward the facts is the same as Cutler's toward press conferences: DONNNNNNNNNNNN'T CARRRRRRRRRRE.

Cam Newton (May 11)

Similar Figure: Salvador Dali

Parallels: One can imagine the mid-20th century equivalent of Pete Prisco yelling "THIS ISN'T ART!"

Matt Cassel (May 17)

Similar Figure: Alfonso XIII of Spain

Parallels: There were great expectations for the boy king headed into his reign but it ended in exile. Which is the story for pretty much any Vikings quarterback.

Geno Smith (Oct. 10)

Similar Figure: Isabella II of Spain

Parallels: Judging from his offseason exploits, Smith has as robust a personal life as the former queen of Spain whose children were probably fathered by someone other than the king.

Blaine Gabbert (Oct. 15)

Similar Figure: Friedrich Nietzsche

Parallels: Nietzsche said God is dead. Jaguars fans agree.

Russell Wilson (Nov. 29)

Similar Figure: Jacques Chirac

Parallels: Both are known as charismatic and effective leaders, but only Wilson led an organization known for its good defense.

Matt McGloin (Dec. 2)

Similar Figure: Alexander Haig

Parallels: Haig was essentially the acting president during the last days of the Nixon Administration, so he knows what it's like to lead a dysfunctional organization that's on its way down.

Philip Rivers (Dec. 8)

Similar Figure: Mary, Queen of Scots

Parallels: A woman who was killed because she wanted to have a Catholic country is almost too easy of a comparison. DON'T MARTYR YOURSELF FOR RICK SANTORUM, PHILIP, HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

Mike Glennon (Dec. 12)

Similar Figure: Queen Anne of Denmark

Parallels: Queen Anne died of dropsy, which can also be caused by prolonged exposure to the Bucs locker room.

Carson Palmer (Dec. 27)

Similar Figure: Johannes Kepler

Parallels: Neither Palmer nor Kepler was a star, but they spent their careers working with them.

Jason Campbell (Dec. 31)

Similar Figure: General Cornwallis

Parallels: After a career spent on the Redskins, Raiders and Browns Campbell is practically a human flag of surrender.

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Each major college football head coach can be connected to all the others by résumé. And, just for fun, let's put Nick Saban at the center.

With assistance by Adam Jacobi and Nam Le.

Nick Saban

The following coaches personally played, worked, or coached on the same teams as Nick Saban at some point. None served more directly than Missouri head coach Gary Pinkel, who was once Saban's roommate at Kent State.

• Gary Pinkel (Kent State 1970-1975)
• June Jones (Houston Oilers 1988)
• Terry Bowden (West Virginia 1978)
• Jimbo Fisher (LSU 2000-2004)
• Jim McElwain (Alabama 2008-2011)
• Will Muschamp (Miami Dolphins 2005)
• Mark Dantonio (Michigan State 1995-1999)
• Dan Enos (Michigan State 1987)
• Randy Edsall (Syracuse 1977)
• Kirk Ferentz (Cleveland Browns 1993-1994)
• Doc Holliday (West Virginia 1978-1979)
• Brian Polian (Michigan State 1997)

June Jones branch

• June Jones - Dino Babers (Hawaii 1983) (2 degrees of separation)
• Dino Babers - Art Briles (Baylor 2008-2011) (3)

Dan Enos branch

• Dan Enos - Craig Bohl (North Dakota State 2003) (2)

Jimbo Fisher branch

Matthew Emmons, USA Today

• Jimbo Fisher - Todd Monken (LSU 2005-2006) (2)
• Todd Monken - Brian Kelly (Grand Valley State 1989-1990) (3)
• Todd Monken - Jeff Quinn (Grand Valley State 1989-1990) (3)
• Brian Kelly - Chuck Martin (Notre Dame 2010-2013) (4)
• Chuck Martin - Jeff Monken (Millikin 1986-1988) (5)
• Jeff Monken - Dave Clawson (Buffalo 1992) (6)
• Jeff Monken - Paul Johnson (Georgia Tech 2008-2009) (6)
• Jimbo Fisher - Bo Pelini (LSU 2005-2006) (2)
• Bo Pelini - Frank Solich (Nebraska 2003) (3)
• Bo Pelini - Trent Miles (Green Bay Packers 2000) (3)
• Jimbo Fisher - Les Miles (LSU 2005-2006) (2)
• Les Miles - Mike Gundy (Oklahoma State 2001-2004) (3)
• Mike Gundy - James Franklin (Maryland 2000) (4)
• Mike Gundy - Pat Fitzgerald (Maryland 1998) (4)
• Jimbo Fisher - Mark Stoops (Florida State 2010-2012) (2)
• Mark Stoops - Curtis Johnson (Miami 2001-2003) (3)
• Mark Stoops - Larry Coker (Miami 2001-2003) (3)
• Mark Stoops - Sonny Dykes (Arizona 2007-2009) (3)

Fisher-Rodriguez branch

• Jimbo Fisher - Rich Rodriguez (Salem College 1986) (2)
• Rich Rodriguez - Todd Graham (West Virginia 2001-2002) (3)
• Rich Rodriguez - Butch Jones (West Virginia 2005-2006) (3)
• Rich Rodriguez - Rick Stockstill (Clemson 1999-2000) (3)
• Todd Graham - Gus Malzahn (Tulsa 2007-2008) (4)
• Todd Graham - Bill Blankenship (Tulsa 2007-2010) (4)
• Bill Blankenship - Justin Fuente (Union High School (OK) 1992-1994) (5)
• Todd Graham - Matt Wells (Tulsa 2003-2005) (4)
• Matt Wells - Ken Niumatololo (Navy 1997-1998) (5)
• Matt Wells - Rocky Long (New Mexico 2007-2008) (5)
• Rocky Long - Ron Caragher (UCLA 1996-1997) (6)
• Rocky Long - Brady Hoke (San Diego State 2009-2010) (6)
• Matt Wells - Gary Patterson (Utah State 1993-1994) (5)
• Gary Patterson - Dennis Franchione (TCU 1998-200) (6)
• Gary Patterson - Chris Petersen (UC Davis 1986) (6)
• Chris Petersen - Sean Kugler (Boise State 2006) (7)
• Chris Petersen - Bryan Harsin (Boise State 2001-2010) (7)
• Bryan Harsin - Mark Helfrich (Boise State 1998-1999) (8)

Brian Polian branch

• Brian Polian - David Shaw (Stanford 2010-2011) (2)
• David Shaw - Willie Taggart (Stanford 2007-2009) (3)
• David Shaw - Scott Shafer (Stanford 2007) (3)
• Brian Polian - Derek Mason (Stanford 2010-2011) (2)
• Brian Polian - Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M 2012) (2)
• Kevin Sumlin - Dana Holgorsen (Houston 2008-2009) (3)
• Kevin Sumlin - Kevin Wilson (Oklahoma 2003-2007) (3)

Gary Pinkel branch

• Gary Pinkel - Jim Mora (Washington 1980-1984) (2)
• Jim Mora - Jeff Brohm (San Francisco 49ers 1997) (3)

Jim McElwain Branch

Kevin C. Cox, Getty

• Jim McElwain - Paul Haynes (Louisville 2002) (2)
• Paul Haynes - Paul Petrino (Arkansas 2012) (3)
• Paul Haynes - Bobby Petrino (Jacksonville Jaguars 2001) (3)

Will Muschamp branch

• Will Muschamp - Tommy Tuberville (Auburn 2006-2007) (2)
• Tommy Tuberville - Paul Rhoads (Auburn 2008) (3)
• Tommy Tuberville - Tony Levine (Auburn 2000-2001) (3)
• Tony Levine - David Bailiff (Texas State 1997-1999) (4)
• Will Muschamp - Charlie Weis (Florida 2011) (2)
• Charlie Weis - David Cutcliffe (Notre Dame 2005) (3)
• David Cutcliffe - Todd Berry (Tennessee 1983) (4)
• Todd Berry - Doug Martin (East Carolina 1992-1995) (5)
• Charlie Weis - Kliff Kingsbury (New England Patriots 2003) (3)
• Will Muschamp - Mike MacIntyre (Georgia 1991) (2)
• Mike MacIntyre - Hugh Freeze (San Jose State 2010) (3)

Randy Edsall branch

2014's scheme overhauls

• How Kiffin changes Alabama
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• Florida made excellent hire
• Upgraded Georgia’s new challenge
• Classic Penn State’s talent surge
• Petrino, Louisville back on attack

• Randy Edsall - George O'Leary (Syracuse 1980-1986) (2)

Kirk Ferentz branch

• Kirk Ferentz - Bob Davie (Pittsburgh 1980) (2)
• Kirk Ferentz - Dan McCarney (Iowa 1981-1989) (2)
• Kirk Ferentz - Bobby Wilder (Maine 1990-1992) (2)
• Kirk Ferentz - Bret Bielema (Iowa 1999-2001) (2)
• Kirk Ferentz - Bill Snyder (Iowa 1981-1988) (2)
• Kirk Ferentz - Bob Stoops (Iowa 1981-1987) (2)
• Bob Davie - Ron Turner (Texas A&M 1988) (3)
• Bret Bielema - Charlie Partridge (Arkansas 2013) (3)
• Bret Bielema - Dave Doeren (Wisconsin 2006-2010) (3)
• Dave Doeren - Rod Carey (Northern Illinois 2011-2012) (4)
• Bret Bielema - Bob Diaco (Iowa 1994-1997) (3)
• Bob Diaco - Mike London (Virginia 2006-2007) (4)
• Mike London - Al Golden (Virginia 2001-2004) (5)
• Al Golden - Matt Rhule (Temple 2006-2010) (6)
• Bob Stoops - Steve Spurrier (Florida 1996-1998) (3)
• Bob Stoops - Mike Leach (Oklahoma 1999) (3)
• Mike Leach - Ruffin McNeill (Texas Tech 2000-2009) (4)

Doc Holliday branch

• Doc Holliday - Paul Chryst (West Virginia 1989-1990) (2)
• Doc Holliday - Darrell Hazell (West Virginia 1999) (2)
• Doc Holliday - Urban Meyer (Florida 2005-2007) (2)
• Doc Holliday - Steve Addazio (Florida 2005-2007) (2)
• Doc Holliday - Dan Mullen (Florida 2005-2007) (2)
• Doc Holliday - Charlie Strong (Florida 2005-2007) (2)
• Charlie Strong - Skip Holtz (South Carolina 1999-2001) (3)
• Skip Holtz - Mark Richt (Florida State 1987-1988) (4)
• Charlie Strong - Larry Fedora (Florida 2002-2004) (3)
• Larry Fedora - Blake Anderson (North Carolina 2012-2013) (4)
• Blake Anderson - Willie Fritz (Sam Houston State 1991) (5)
• Blake Anderson - Bronco Mendenhall (New Mexico 1999-2001) (5)
• Bronco Mendenhall - Bobby Hauck (Northern Arizona 1993-1994) (6)
• Darrell Hazell - P.J. Fleck (Ohio State 2006) (3)
• P.J. Fleck - Kyle Flood (Rutgers 2010-2011) (4)
• P.J. Fleck - Jerry Kill (Northern Illinois 2008-2009) (4)
• Paul Chryst - Mike Riley (Oregon State 2003-2004) (3)
• Urban Meyer - Tim Beckman (Bowling Green 2001-2002) (3)
• Tim Beckman - Larry Blakeney (Auburn 1988-1989) (4)
• Tim Beckman - Matt Campbell (Toledo 2009-2011) (4)
• Tim Beckman - Scott Satterfield (Toledo 2009) (4)
• Urban Meyer - Gary Andersen (Utah 2004) (3)
• Urban Meyer - Kyle Whittingham (Utah 2003-2004) (3)
• Dan Mullen - Mark Hudspeth (Mississippi State 2009-2010) (3)
• Mark Hudspeth - Tim DeRuyter (Navy 2001) (4)
• Tim DeRuyter - Troy Calhoun (Ohio 1995-1998) (5)
• Kyle Whittingham - Norm Chow (Utah 2011) (4)
• Norm Chow - Steve Sarkisian (USC 2001-2003) (5)
• Frank Beamer (Stacy Searels (Virginia Tech 2014) - Nick Saban (LSU 2003-2004))

Loose ends

• Pete Lembo (Jim Schwartz (Georgetown 1988) - Nick Saban (Cleveland Browns 1993-1994))
• Joey Jones (Freddie Roach (South Alabama 2012-2014) - Nick Saban (Alabama 2008-2010))
• Bill Clark (Nick Perry (Prattville HS 2006-2008) - Nick Saban (Alabama 2010-2013))
• Dabo Swinney (Burton Burns (Clemson 2003-2006) - Nick Saban (Alabama 2007-2014))
• Mark Whipple (Pat Shurmur (Cleveland Browns 2011-2012) - Nick Saban (Michigan State 1984-1987))
• Chris Creighton (Jimmy Williams (Eastern Michigan 2014) - Craig Bohl (Nebraska 1978-1980))

Bonus

Did you like the image above, of coaches as planets circling Nick Saban? How about coaches as plants:

by James Dator

One GIF to preview each power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Alabama

Texas A&M

LSU

Ole Miss

Mississippi State

Auburn

Arkansas

Florida

South Carolina

Georgia

Vanderbilt

Tennessee

Missouri

Kentucky

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• Catch up on college football’s opening night

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One GIF for every power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Stanford

Oregon

Oregon State

Washington

Cal

Washington State

Arizona

Arizona State

UCLA

USC

Utah

Colorado

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• The prettiest, smartest college football preview collection anywhere

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• How to stop Jadeveon Clowney: actual coaches build a game plan

• Why we love college football: a beautiful SB Nation longread

•Why we’re happy Johnny Manziel is playing

One GIF for every power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

Ohio State

Wisconsin

Penn State

Indiana

Purdue

File not found.

Illinois

Michigan State

Nebraska

Michigan

Northwestern

Iowa

Minnesota

More from SB Nation:

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• The prettiest, smartest college football preview collection anywhere

• Catch up on college football’s opening night

• How to stop Jadeveon Clowney: actual coaches build a game plan

• Why we love college football: a beautiful SB Nation longread

•Why we’re happy Johnny Manziel is playing

One GIF for every power-conference football team. That's the whole story.

Also: ACC | Big 12 | Big Ten | Pac-12 | SEC

TCU

Texas

Kansas State

Baylor

Oklahoma

Oklahoma State

Texas Tech

West Virginia

Iowa State

Kansas

More from SB Nation:

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• The prettiest, smartest college football preview collection anywhere

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• How to stop Jadeveon Clowney: actual coaches build a game plan

• Why we love college football: a beautiful SB Nation longread

•Why we’re happy Johnny Manziel is playing

Too many college football teams share the same nicknames. Let's break these up.

The SEC is a youth soccer league. No, not because of the level of play, but because more than 20 percent of the league uses Tigers as mascots. I mean, they're not even indigenous to North America.

So we decided to engage in a little thought experiment. What if every FBS team had to have a unique official team nickname? Now, you can use a modifier to differentiate your name from other teams. That's why the Southern Miss Golden Eagles and Boston College Eagles can coexist. But otherwise, there can only be one of each.

Onto the tough decisions:

Aggies

Schools using the name: New Mexico State, Texas A&M, Utah State

Who gets to keep it: Texas A&M. It's a signature of College Station.

New Mexico State's new name: They're only in FBS in the sense that Pete Best was in the Beatles, but they could be the Pistoleros in honor of their mascot, Pistol Pete.

Utah State's new name: Before they were the Aggies, they were the Farmers. Because that's actually Logan, Utah, in the background of every Chevy truck ad.

Bobcats

Schools using the name: Ohio, Texas State

Who gets to keep it: Ohio. Because the state of Ohio hasn't had a good year since the early '90s. Just like Bobcat Goldthwait.

Texas State's new name: Texas State's logo is actually known as the Supercat. That's a fine name for both a team and an illegal Dennis Franchione gambling newsletter.

Broncos

Schools using the name: Boise State, Western Michigan

Who gets to keep it: I'm pretty sure that Boise State was a mining camp as late as the 1970s, but its 1998-2012 run of success and the relative prevalence of wild horses in the American West means the school stays the Broncos.

Western Michigan's new name: New head coach P.J. Fleck wants the team's motto to be "Row The Boat." I'm pretty sure Captains abstain from actual rowing, but it's a better team name than Slaves From Ben Hur.

Bulldogs

Schools using the name: Georgia, Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State [and Fresno State]

Who gets to keep it: UGA. Much like the Hapsburgs, the Ugas are inbred and sickly but tough to displace.

Louisiana Tech's new name: Capitalize on the popularity of your Duck Dynasty guys (Duck Dynasty: the show your boss watches) and name La. Tech the Hunters.

Mississippi State's new name: CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA Cows coming through CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA.

[Fresno State: We missed Fresno State the first time around. Due to the oversight, they may also keep their nickname.]

Bulls

Schools using the name: Buffalo, South Florida

Who gets to keep it: South Florida. Because it's tough naming something in Tampa. You just look around and go "strip mall, strip club, strip mall, meth lab, strip mall ... f--- it, we'll call them the Bulls." [Editor's note: Voodoo Five sticks up for Tampa.]

Buffalo's new name: The Yankees. Buffalo wants to be New York's team after all. SEO gamesmanship is its best bet to be relevant east of Rochester.

Cardinal/Cardinals

Schools using the name: Ball State, Louisville, Stanford

Who gets to keep it: Louisville. Because the nickname committee wants to be bribed with two million free pizzas and applauds anyone who commits to weekday football. Prevents me from having to socialize with people.

Stanford's new name: You already have the Trees mascot, and we know that Cal students always wish they could smoke you. It's kind of obvious.

Ball State's new name: When your greatest cultural contribution doubles as slang for football players, the Lettermen becomes an easy pick. I just hope Ball State doesn't start *mailing it in* when it gets bored.

James Snook-US PRESSWIRE

Cougars

Schools using the name: BYU, Houston, Washington State

Who gets to keep it: Houston. Because Wazzu drinks too much and BYU doesn't drink enough.

Washington State's new name: The school got its name from a cougar cub, so switching to the Cubs doesn't mess with the history that much. Yeah, I'm surprised that Wazzu has history too.

BYU's new name: Naming the team the Missionaries should make it easier for Bronco Mendenhall to talk his starting left tackle out of spending two years wearing a shirt and tie.

Cowboys

Schools using the name: Oklahoma State, Wyoming

Who gets to keep it: Oklahoma State.

"Hey T. Boone Pickens, we think Wyoming should be the Cowboys and Oklahoma State should change its name."

"No."

"But Wyoming's got a cowboy on its license plates and stuff. Oklahoma was founded by people stealing land."

"No."

"Well, too bad, we're changing it anyway."

"I will ruin you."

Sorry, Wyoming.

Wyoming's new name: Working off the cowboy motif, why not the Gauchos, to reflect the state's growing Hispanic population?

Eagles

Schools using the name: Boston College, Eastern Michigan

Who gets to keep it: BC. Because Notre Dame's loser uncle still has some history to speak of.  EMU has ... Charlie Batch.

Eastern Michigan's new name: Eastern Michigan was the Hurons until 1991, when the surviving Hurons were like, "hey, you already took all our land, you don't have to rub it in." But last I checked, Huron was also a lake and Dwight Howard would never play for EMU, so lets go with the Lakers.

Falcons

Schools using the name: Air Force, Bowling Green

Who gets to keep it: Air Force. These guys get to kill guys from planes, so they get their aerial nickname of choice.

Bowling Green's new name: Bowling Green's nickname was the Normals before its teams were the Falcons. Anything that'll help MACtion go mainstream is alright by me.

Huskies

Schools using the name: NIU, UConn, Washington

Who gets to keep it: Washington. Rick Neuheisel won the nickname from UConn when he bet on Michigan to win outright.

UConn's new name: You wanna sell out Rentschler Field? Call yourselves the Whalers and play "Brass Bonanza" after touchdowns. And missing the postseason every year will just make hockey fans feel even more at home.

NIU's new name: Another former teacher's college, NIU used to be the Profs. And if you think a Prof can't be tough, then you've never been cold called by Professor Kingsfield.

Owls

Schools using the name: FAU, Rice, Temple

Who gets to keep it: Temple, shockingly, has the best football tradition of any of these schools. Nocturnal birds must play soccer in high school or something.

Rice's new name: President Kennedy gave his "Man on the Moon" speech in Rice's stadium, so the Astronauts seems appropriate. Better than the President's Love Child With A Rice Freshman Conceived After A Big Speech.

FAU's new name: FAU's baseball team used to be known as the Blue Wave. That should work for the football team until Florida is swallowed by the sea and it has to relocate to Billings.

Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Panthers

Schools using the name: FIU, Georgia State, Pitt

Who gets to keep it: Pitt, because it has history on its side. Mark May fought hard for that name!

Georgia State's new name: Georgia State was already the Ramblers from 1947 to 1963. Not only is the name historic, it's a nod to Macon, Georgia's own Allman Brothers.

FIU's new name: FIU was, until recently, the Golden Panthers, so the school can just go back to that. Now, if there were only another recent decision that FIU could undo ...

Rebels

Schools using the name: Ole Miss, UNLV

Who gets to keep it: Ole Miss, because changing anything in Mississippi takes, like, three generations.

UNLV's new name: Most people probably think its name is already the Runnin' Rebels, so we might as well make it official.

Spartans

Schools using the name: Michigan State, San Jose State

Who gets to keep it: There's only one Sparty, San Jose State, and he inexplicably loses to Iowa.

San Jose State's new name: San Jose State started as a teachers school, so one of its original mascots was the Pedagogues. Given all the annoying techies in the area, I'd say that's pretty apt.

Tigers

Schools using the name: Auburn, Clemson, Memphis, Missouri, LSU

Who gets to keep it: Mizzou. Ultimately the decision came down to LSU and Mizzou. LSU was named after a Confederate regiment, while Mizzou was named after a Union one. So this one was already determined on the battlefield.

LSU's new name: The Bayou Bengals is already a fine nickname for the team, and it means Mike the Tiger can still roam the sidelines and play Les Miles in Chinese Checkers (Mike almost always wins).

Clemson's new name: The plain ol' Bengals should suffice, especially since you'll never hear them shut up about how they were good in the '80s.

Auburn's new name: It should be a seamless transition to the War Eagles. Just don't let Harvey Updyke near any aviaries.

Memphis's new name: Memphis used to be known as the Warriors, and with Hawaii reverting to the Rainbow varietal of the name, it should be an easy switch. Also, you could probably re-do a Warriors remake in Memphis today, except it would be a documentary.

Trojans

Schools using the name: Troy, USC

Who gets to keep it: Sorry, Troy. Not even Lane Kiffin can cost USC its mascot.

Troy's new name: Its mascot is named after the town. Troy is in Pike County. The Pikemen are both an excellent mascot and Civilization II unit.

Wildcats

Schools using the name: Arizona, Kansas State, Kentucky, Northwestern

Who gets to keep it: Kentucky. It's hard enough getting Big Blue Nation to spell one team name right.

Northwestern's new name: Northwestern used to be known as the Fighting Methodists. We're about to bomb Syria, so sectarian violence is back en vogue.

Arizona's new name: The University of Arizona goes through great lengths to honor the U.S.S. Arizona, so the Battleships would be a good replacement. Sure, Arizona is landlocked, but it's not like our battleships do anything at sea any more.

Kansas State's new name: Ninety percent of America knows Kansas from that old movie, and Bill Snyder kind of has a Saruman vibe about him, so KSU should be the Wizards.

Wolfpack/Wolf Pack

Schools using the name: NC State, Nevada

Who gets to keep it: NC State. I'm not telling this guy that he's got to change his school name.

Nevada's new name: The Wolves. An easy change. Besides, Nevada already has a wolf pack.

Don't like your team's new name? Think it shouldn't have changed to begin with? Let us know in the comments.

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